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Yes, they told me I would forget. I have some memories, some memories are clouded by time– what I'll never forgot was that I had children that I lost. I may not remember everything – but I remember my grief and despair. I remember feeling so alone and sad. The empty space in my heart is a constant reminder. I guess I’m still waiting to forget”. from No One Will Know
 For Birthmothers:
It doesn’t really matter how much time goes by – we never forget the children we lost. We try for years to deny it, to cover up and to mask our pain but somewhere in the very core of our being it’s there. We try desperately to move on, keeping our loss safely in the past yet it impacts and affects almost every aspect of our lives.
For some of us it was a secret so we never spoke about it, or if we did we distanced ourselves from the pain – numbing out, sleepwalking through suppressed memories, denying our trauma, loss and grief. Some of us were sent away, isolated from any loving support from our friends or families, some adoptions were closed; some are open . Some of us suffered from secondary infertility, while some of us chose to get pregnant right away. As parents, some of us are hyper vigilant, and others felt we never deeply bonded with our children. Some of us have searched or been found, some of us are in Reunion and some of us dream/dread meeting our lost children. Some of us were told to move on with our lives, to get past our pain and forget. Yet how do we get past a pain and heal if we never spoke about it or were allowed to grieve our loss?
No matter what the circumstances were, we struggle with relationships, with decisions, with feelings of unworthiness, deep sadness and regret. To this day, our experience shadows us and profoundly impacts our lives and our future.
I know these things because I am a first (birth) mother and I was only able to heal my heart when I acknowledged my loss, released my pain and found compassion and self forgiveness. When I gave up my silence and found the voice of my heart and my truth, I began to come alive again.
· What did you give up when you lost your child? What part of your was lost and is still lost?
· Do you still experience deep sadness and guilt?
· Do you have feelings of coercion, betrayal or anger?
· Are you still punishing yourself for signing the relinquishment papers?
· Are you puzzled by some of your behaviors, thoughts or actions?
· Do you ever think about Searching for your child but worry about how you would answer their questions? Or are you fearful that someday your child may find you?
· Are you considering or in Reunion with your child?
· Do you find yourself looking at people who are around the same age as your child, wondering if they could be yours?
· Do you still feel anger and resentment for the people who played a part in your adoption decision?
· What about your relationships…how have they been affected?
· Do you still carry feelings of unworthiness? Do those feelings of unworthiness prevent you from having a life that you love, being successful, proud of yourself or having intimate relationships?
· Are you still keeping the secret? What about the shame?
· Are you ready to finally deal with your experience?
Because adoption separation is a profound experience and the emotions attached to it have been buried or managed for so long, it’s important to walk into this process with willingness, compassion and as much self-love as you can muster. It’s important to know that no matter how challenging or difficult it may seem, this process will lead to healing, growth and recovery. It takes courage. But you know – you are already courageous or you wouldn’t have made it through your experience.
I invite you to explore the journey of healing with me. Together we can make sense of the past create a new path to a healthy, loving, whole future rich in possibilities. It’s time to heal the past and allow ourselves to enjoy a wonderful life.
What we’ll look at:
· The story of our relinquishment/the adoption trauma
· How the meanings we assign to events control our beliefs
· How to uncover who we truly are (our authentic self)
· How to become powerful by being accountable
· How to improve our relationships
· How to live with, take care of yourself and support your child in Search or Reunion
· How to be happy, loving, accepting and embracing all the gifts of adoption
Contact me and we’ll begin the process of healing and finally moving forward – you’ve waited long enough.
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